a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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