we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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