My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
