i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
