i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
