I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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