I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
