If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
