I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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