You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
