I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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