but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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