I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
