She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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