Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
