Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
