I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
