I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
