The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
