dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
