he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
