If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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