the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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