if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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