Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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