If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
