the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
