I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
