I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
