Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
