i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
