Your dad touched me again.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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