Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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