He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
