I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
