The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
