You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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