Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
