I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
