wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
