when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
