the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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