All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
