But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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