My Higher Power is John Stamos
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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