My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
