There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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