woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
