I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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