so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
