woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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