In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
